Andrew's Guide to Picking Up Women

Guys are always coming up to me and asking me why I do well with women. I always tell them I’ve just been lucky, but this is a lie. Alas, I must confess I’ve been selfish. I’ve had a playbook for picking up women for a long time and have not shared it with anyone. To assuage my guilt and the ire of my peers, I’ve decided to post a few of my methods. But I don’t want everyone going around using my techniques, so please keep this between you and me.

The Forehead Swastika (AKA: The Inglourious Basterd)

Walk up to a girl and say, “I find your forehead offensive.” When she asks what you’re talking about, tell her someone drew a Swastika on her forehead. Kindly offer to turn her forehead swastika into four boxes with a Sharpie. Take out your Sharpie and write your phone number backwards on her forehead. Next time she looks in the mirror, you got yourself a date.

The Edward Cullen

Find a Twilight fan. Tip: Twilight fans usually roam in large, unattractive pods (as evidenced by the Twilight fan that recently killed a pony-tailed Sea World trainer). Break into her bed room while she’s sleeping. Watch her sleep. When she wakes up and sees you, tell her she’s beautiful to watch. Don’t ask me why this works.

The Frivolous Lawsuit against an Environmentalist

Find an environmentalist who wants you to sign up for her hopeless cause. Ask her if she aims to make the earth a more beautiful place. When she says yes, you say, “Then dig a ditch and fall in it face first.” After she slaps you, trip yourself and hit your head on the cement. Threaten to sue her unless she goes on a date with you.

The Low Standards and Expectations

Ask a girl out who’s waiting at a bus stop.

The Andrew Sunada

Walk around your high school campus between classes, reading Pride and Prejudice. Wait for a girl to tap you on the shoulder and talk to you about it. When none of them do, ask someone out from your church.

The Immature High School Student

Before class, draw an erect penis on the desk of the girl you like, but underneath write “Yes or No. Circle One.” If she circles no, come back the next day and draw another erection, this one of your middle finger.


The Roofie Reversal

At a party, slip a girl a roofie. Take the girl to a private bedroom. While she’s sedated, bide your time watching the first season of Full House on DVD. When she comes to and sees wholesome programming on the TV, tell her you saw someone slip her a roofie and that you’ve been standing guard next to her all night.

The Gloveless Gynecologist

Actually, this one is not safe for Facebook or the law-abiding.

The Andrew Robinson, College Student

On the first day of the semester, pick out the girl you want to talk to and possibly date. Then sit in the back of the room and stare at her. When class is over, time your exit so you’re leaving at the same time. Then walk two feet behind her until she gets to her car. Call yourself a cowardly idiot the entire drive home. Repeat this routine every class period until the day of the final. When the final is over, hope she asks you out.

The Women’s Shelter Dare

Play a brutal game of Truth or Dare with your best friend. Dare him to go to a women’s shelter and laugh for fifteen straight minutes. On the fourteenth minute, beat him senseless with a copy of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. Then offer to take all of the women to a different women’s shelter free of insensitive jerks. Print a sign on Microsoft Word that says, “Women’s Shelter” and hang it over your front door.

The Really Low Standards and Expectations

Go to college. Get a mortician’s license. Start an undertaking business. Move that business to the city where the girl you desire lives. Stay healthy so you’ll live long. Wait for her to die.


Gentlemen, you’re welcome. Ladies, I’m sorry.